Combating Toxic Positivity & Managing Your Reality
- Sofia Isabella Flores
- Jul 18, 2021
- 7 min read
Hello again. Welcome to my new posting schedule! I hope this brings a bit of joy to your Sunday.
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Before we begin, you must know this:
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We are human. There is no world in which we could genuinely be happy and content at all times. And yet the world of picture-perfect moments, Instagram-worthy posts, and filtered realities that we inhabit appears to fool us into thinking that we could be - and should be - in order to fit in with those we see online.
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I have long portrayed myself as an open, vulnerable person. My blog and social media are windows into my life and mind, and I like it that way. However, it has become clear to me that I have not been entirely honest and sincere with you, my readers and friends, throughout these past few years.
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I have, from time to time, fallen into the endless routine of self-critiquing, detachment from reality, and longing to come across as “perfect” and “well-put-together.”
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To be quite frank, my depression and anxiety have been debilitating severe recently; yet I still find myself wanting to appear as if I am “fine” on Instagram and here within my blog posts.
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That is precisely what I wish to cover today - facades, disguised struggles, suppressed emotion, and what can be done to genuinely check in with yourself and others to end this vicious cycle.
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1) What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is much more self-explanatory than one might think. It most simply and quite literally means an amount of positivity or positive thinking that becomes toxic to the individual practicing it and/or those around them, as it hinders both the individual from experiencing and dealing with their own issues as well as preventing those around them from doing the same; this is usually out of fear that it will make them uncomfortable or in some way responsible for the emotional welfare of another.
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In a broad sense, toxic positivity is a form of denial - denying oneself from feeling their negative emotions, examining their negative thoughts, and denying others the freedom to voice their struggles, etcetera. This is often rooted in a personal discomfort with pain - be it their own or that of anyone else.
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While positivity is a remarkable and much-needed aspect of life, it cannot be implemented at all times. This is precisely what toxically positive individuals do not understand - it is unhealthy to suppress any pain and negativity.
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Recent theories have shown that individuals who perpetrate toxic positivity most often suppress or trivialize all negativity - their own and that of all others. British clinical psychotherapist Noel McDermott believes that toxic positivity stems from one’s own fear of negativity. These individuals do not wish to interact with both their own struggles or those of anyone else, because they do not want to be bogged down by the weight of tragedy or strife.
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What makes this amount of positivity toxic is its selfishness. Allow me to use a hypothetical for further explanation:
You confide in your best friend; you tell them about how you have been battling tirelessly with your depression and lack of hope that you will improve. You also mention how family troubles have only been adding to the weight on your shoulders, and now you fear that your school life will be impacted by the burdens dragging you lower and lower. Your best friend responds not by consoling or sympathizing, instead, they tell you to “think positively, and look on the bright side.” When you assure them that you most certainly cannot do that - as is the case with genuine depression and most periods of extreme hardship - they react indignantly and with confusion, claiming that “if you had been more positive/tried harder to be happier, then you would be better off, and your problems would lessen/be resolved.”
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You can insert any scenario or story into this framework; if it begins with you confiding in someone about the challenges you have or currently are experiencing, continues with the friend making light out of extremely dark subjects, and ultimately ends with the both of you at opposite ends of the conversation, then I regret to inform you that your friend is most likely a member of the toxic positivity mindset group.
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As I introduced earlier, toxic positivity is in many ways very selfish. Those practicing it only implement unwarranted - and realistic - positivity in an attempt to avoid all possible interaction with conflict and woe. They have a pitifully low tolerance for emotional and mental pain, making it virtually impossible for them to listen to, comprehend, and respect the pain that others experience.
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2) “How Does This Affect Me, Exactly?”
I am incredibly thankful that you asked, dear friend. Anyone and everyone who has ever been unfortunate enough to experience what it feels like to be invalidated, disrespected, and misunderstood by a toxically positive person in their life will tell you how damaging that individual was - and very well still could be - to their mental and emotional stability.
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As humans, amongst our most vital and longed-for desires is to connect with other humans, whether it be emotionally, mentally, physically, or however best suits you. Toxic positivity is a harsh and immediate severing of the connection we are attempting to build with another human. We, as the individual struggling and constructing a bridge to reach the individual we are confiding in, are met with blunt rejection of our thoughts, behaviors, and deepest-held secrets by that individual’s refusal to accept our flaws and difficulties for what they are. That individual, being toxically positive and close-minded, burns the bridge we worked so tirelessly, delicately, and with the utmost anxious faith in them to create.
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Rather than seeing our struggles for face value, toxically positive individuals minimize them and often fail to recognize the main reason we reached out in the first place: we simply needed to unload our immeasurable burdens and hoped they could make us feel heard and seen.
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Lamentably, those are the very skills that they often lack - emotional intelligence, sympathy, empathy, patience, and maturity. This can bring about much unnecessary conflict, stress, anxiety, and further feelings of isolation and hopelessness in those struggling to find sincere, effective help.
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Being met with toxic positivity can be extremely damaging to our ability to trust and be vulnerable with others. Opening our hearts and minds to the amount needed to build courage and speak of our struggles is difficult in itself; being rejected for doing so can ruin all progress made up to that point.
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If any such interaction or misfortune has impacted you, I am beyond sorry for what you experienced. Allow me to assure that you did not - for any reason whatsoever - deserve to be treated in that way.
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3) Managing Your Reality: Self-Advocacy & Help
From the last six years of managing my own mental illnesses and enduring the often belittling statements of toxically positive friends and adult figures in my life, it has become abundantly clear that self-advocacy is one amongst the greatest strengths and skills there is to combat those who do not quite understand what is you might be going through.
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I have an entire blog post on the specific topic of self-advocacy; it is linked here:
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What self-advocacy can provide for you - with persistence and devotion - is access to the support, understanding, patience, accommodations, acceptance, and flexibility you need to heal, grow, and continue succeeding in all aspects of your life.
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Being an advocate for yourself is not simple, nor does it come naturally to all. Especially being that I struggle with severe anxiety and the slightly irrational fear that people will despise me for merely being who I am, it has taken years to develop the self-confidence and dedication needed to advocate for my needs in any given environment.
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It is not impossible, and there are endless ways to begin tapping into and answering your innermost calls for help.
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Begin by answering the following:
What are my biggest strengths and weaknesses?
How can I help myself in the event that my symptoms are set off?
Who do I know for certain would be able to patiently and genuinely support me?
What can I do to ensure that my weaknesses and struggles do not prevent me from growing?
What can I do now and the future to ensure that my strengths are utilized to their fullest potential?
What is my biggest trigger? Are there multiple? Do they vary based on environment and/or circumstance?
How can I communicate my triggers to others? What can I or they do to calm me down or assist me in the event that my trigger(s) solicit an issue?
How can those around me - even if they are not equipped or experienced with mental health and illness - do to best support me? What cautions, pieces of advice, information, and resources can I provide them with to ensure that they do not act in a toxically positive, indignant, or ignorant manner?
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You deserve to be seen, heard, and validated - there has never been, nor will there ever be - a point in life when that will change.
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Those who dismiss you and the challenges you face have no right to do so. They do not feel your pain, hear your every thought, or face the battles that you have been forced to.
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I hope you realize how valuable you are. There are good people in this world who would give anything to help you and bring light back into your life. Find them, and hold on tight.
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In love & light,
Sofia F.
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There may not be light in each corner and dark road you come across; there may not be life in the deserts and abandoned plains you traverse. But, my friend, you can be the force that brightens the way; the power that brings green vivacity to desert lands.
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