The Fear Of Failure - “Anxious-Driven Perfectionism”

Sofia Isabella Flores
Jun 24, 2020
5 min read

Updated: Jul 4, 2021

Failure is a complex and daunting topic. We are raised to achieve and seek out feelings of productivity. When we do not meet the expectations at hand, we begin to doubt our ability to do so in the future. -

From scoring poorly on a test, to not winning the championship game, failure is inevitable; yet, many of us find ourselves attempting to avoid it at all costs.

For years, I have found myself in a state of constant worry over failing to meet the expectations that I, others, and mass society have set in place. -

In junior high, I began taking honors classes for the first time; I started taking school more seriously and devoting my time to class work, homework, and studying.

The more I witnessed my grades reflect the hard work I put in, the more I consumed myself with bettering my scores and absorbing information.

I soon associated my own self-worth with the content of my assignments and feedback from teachers.

The more I succeeded in class, the worse my fear of eventual failure became. I was utterly obsessed with maintaining my perfect scores and letter grades.

I studied for hours; I refused to leave my room until my work and projects had been completed; I broke down if I couldn’t fully understand an assignment; I arrived to school an hour before it started and left two hours after it ended to ask tedious questions and review lessons with my teachers. I experienced daily panic attacks and refused to earn any grade lower than a 95% on any and all worksheets, quizzes, tests, presentations, projects, etc. The day before an important exam, I would study until midnight and wake up at dawn to review until the rest of my family had woken up.

I created a routine of pure anxiety, perfection, and dependency on others to determine my value.

I saw no worth in my abilities. I considered my grades the result of luck and not that of my unrelenting dedication to the material.

I began telling myself that failure was not acceptable - that it was something I must prevent.

My teachers greatly appreciated my work and often complimented my consistent and nearly blemish-free record. However, they also took note of my consistent anxiety over improving my scores, even by mere decimal points. -

They expressed deep concerns for my physical and mental health.

Regardless of their kindness and support, I continued to run myself ragged.

Running on two to four hours of sleep a day, I refused to stop my cycle of self-deprecation and devotion to my school career.

I was only in seventh grade when I realized that a simple miscommunication, misunderstanding, misstep, or deficiency in any form could send me over the edge.

The summer before I entered eighth grade, I spent sleepless nights reading, writing, and researching the material that would be discussed in the upcoming year. -

I was terrified of making one false move; of receiving a single low score; of disappointing even one person.

On assignments with one page limits, I would do one page that was double sided.

On essays three page minimums, I would write ten.

I drove myself on empty until I finally crashed.

I became too afraid of even attending school.

Looking at assignments brought me to tears.

The very thing that I once loved and cared for above all else - school - became the sole object of my nightmares.

I completed my eighth grade year in an independent study program; I was isolated in my house for months, too anxious and depressed to face my peers.

When I entered high school in 2018, my fears were at their worst.

As a soon-to-be junior in this very odd year of 2020, I have been dealt the task of reconstructing each and every belief I hold in regards to my identification of personal significance and acceptance of failure.

It is important to remember that failure is imminent. You cannot escape it’s influence, severity, or frequency in your life, but you have the power to rise up after it occurs and apply the lessons learned.

Simply, you cannot prevent failure

and therefore must not concern yourself with undertaking such an unrealistic task.

Accepting The Concept Of Failure & Managing Your Fear:

While I still have much work to do, I have become more accepting and appreciative of certain mistakes and failures that have taken place in my life.

Especially during this quarantine madness, I have had the time and ability to reflect on my views towards failure.

Be Open & Honest. Consider The Following:

What is my definition of failure? What does it mean? Have I experienced it before?

Am I afraid to fail, or am I afraid of what the world will think of me when my failure is exposed?

What is the worst possible outcome of failure in this specific circumstance?

What do I tell myself when I fail? Am I pessimistic or optimistic?

Does my failure decrease my value as an individual?

What have I gained and/or lost from my past failures?

If you are seeking to improve your relationship with fear and eradicate your anxiety surrounding it, you must first asses how you view it and the weight you place in it. -

Then, you must familiarize yourself with the notion of occasional failure.

Insert yourself in low-risk but challenging situations.

When you begin to face failure, do not run from it. Instead, continue to push through and complete the task at hand. -

Once you experience failure, evaluate. Consider both the gains and losses of your situation.

The more we familiarize ourselves with failure and all that it brings, the more our tolerance of it increases. And it is only then that we can build a sturdy foundation of self-reliance.

How To Combat Failure: What To Keep In Mind & How To Embrace It:

When we fail, we often berate ourselves for it. We worry so much about others belittling us for our mistakes, that we do it to ourselves first - as a preparation of sorts.

Work with passion and dedication. Strive to accomplish your goals, but do not despair or attempt to invalidate your past accomplishments when you do experience failure. Learn everything you possibly can from your mistakes and shortcomings. Take these lessons with you and grow.

If you live with the mindset that failure must be escaped and prevented, your approaching failures will bring you nothing but sorrow.

Instead, you must live to do your very best.

If you wish to succeed, you will succeed. If you work wholeheartedly, you cannot fail. The worst failure you can suffer in life is the inability to learn from your mistakes.

To this day, I worry about letting others down; about failure; about not meeting the expectations and standards I set for myself. I actively continue to assure myself that I cannot seek my self-worth through the limited knowledge and opinions of others. -

I need you to know that your value as a person does not come from your accomplishments or deficiencies.

I am not an expert in mental wellness.

But I am an expert in myself and my own personal experiences.

Please, do not hold yourself to the trivial standards of ignorance, society, social media, and popular culture.

Treat yourself with patience and understanding.

Turn your failures into inspirations and catalysts for flourishing. When you take hold of your mistakes, you take back the power they once had over you. And it is only then that you can learn what strength and resourcefulness you posses.

Remain kind, hard working, and faithful.

Do not give up on yourself, ever.

In light & peace,

Sofia F.