The Path to Self Acceptance - Part 1: Confronting Struggles To Please Others & Toxic Environments

Sofia Isabella Flores
Jul 29, 2020
6 min read

As I contemplated various topics to discuss, I came to reflect upon who I was and where I was this time last year. While reminiscing, an interest was sparked to discuss and face one of my most prevalent challenges: the desire to please and serve others before myself.

Before I lose you to Netflix or further Instagram scrolloing, please consider the following:

Do you make decisions based on how you expect others to interpret them?

How often do you prioritize the welfare and satisfaction of others before your own?

How often do you prioritize yourself? Your needs? Your health? Your own personal happiness and wellness?

Have you attempted to please others by minimizing your own struggles and focusing solely on theirs?

Have you ever worried about how you will be perceived by friends, family, and peers when choosing a path that will bring you joy?

Do you allow the opinions and preferences that others have shared with you to influence how you present yourself when in their company?

When someone important to you does not attempt to understand the troubles you are experiencing, or continuously dismisses them, do you begin to think that your hardships are therefore invalid?

When I first sat down at my computer to start this blog over three months ago, I never expected to have the courage to share this. However, I have witnessed countless friends and peers experience similar feelings and difficulties; that being so, I see no reason to withhold my own tumultuous journey with self acceptance and the desire to please other people.

Trigger Warning: Those With Sensitivity To Suicide & Related Topics Should Be Advised.

A little over a year ago, I struggled with severe suicidal tendencies and attached absolutely no worth to myself. The only glimpses of joy I received were from the acclaims, compliments, and recognition of others.

And even then, a spotless 4.5 GPA, numerous philanthropical and academic awards, and kind Instagram comments were not enough to keep the monsters at bay in my overcrowded and hopeless mind.

Growing more desperate for light and signs of worthiness with each day, I began to bombard myself with clubs, extracurriculars, volunteer work, extra credit research, and errands for other people.

I became too invested in serving others, that I forgot how to serve myself.

I wasn’t eating, or sleeping, or taking my own welfare into any form of consideration.

My sole mission in life became an endless plight to make other people happy; to make anyone who entered my life feel pleased with me.

I wouldn’t speak unless spoken to.

I wouldn't dare say “no” to anyone who asked for a favor.

I volunteered myself for every possible opportunity to fill my schedule.

I broke down into hysterics on each and every occasion in which the person or group I served was not happy with my efforts.

I apologized profusely for my own presence; for speaking too long or not long enough when being asked a question; for demonstrating any signs of my anxiety or depression.

In my efforts to make myself smaller and as unseen as possible, I became a source of anxiety to the very people I sought to help. They feared for my safety, my health, and sanity.

I was nothing but a skeleton of a teenage girl. Armed with merely, skin, bones, and the crippling fear of disappointing anyone in my life, I began to - quite literally - fade away.

My hollow cheeks, bruised arms, and tired eyes told a story to each person that saw me; I didn’t need to say a word for people to recognize that I was sinking deeper and deeper into an endless pit of panic and self-loathing.

At my worst and darkest place, I lost the one friend I thought time and all of it’s perils could never change or take from me. This friend did not know how to help me, nor was it her responsibility to do so. She told me my mental illness was not real and begged me to stop acting in such a self-destructive way.

Despite being called nothing but a “psycho” and burden to her, I worked tirelessly to explain myself and make the struggles I faced appear as real to her as they were to me.

With no luck, I was stripped of the first and longest friendship I had ever experienced.

My mindset shifted for the worst. If the one person I trusted most in the world thought that I was “bad”, then it must be true.

It took months for me climb out of that dreadful and grim headspace. And quite frankly, I still battle the thoughts that resulted from that event to this day.

But, if nothing else, I want you to take this away from my story:

You are not defined by the words and connotations others impose upon you. Your true definition can only be crafted by you, your experiences, and the life you create for yourself.

In order to manifest and cultivate the life you long for, it is key to evaluate your current circumstances and priorities.

Inward Reflection

In this era of high mental instability and frequent stress, many of us fear silence; we fear the moments that our brains are allowed to wonder, giving free reign to our thoughts and emotions.

It is all too common these days to suppress what we think and feel. We cast them away and attempt to distract ourselves with less-than-desirable methods of entertainment and various other activities to pass the time.

I myself am guilty of this. I often fight the urges I feel to release or express many emotions. I try my absolute hardest to bury my thoughts and instead use my mind to do almost anything else but face what lies within.

We all dream of accepting ourselves - flaws and all. However, the effort and time that it requires to become at peace with who are is often what prevents us from doing so. We consume ourselves with quick fixes and the yearning to please those near and dear to us, rather than focusing our attention on the actions and changes we must make to gradually reach a place of contentment and compassion for our true selves.

Allow me to be a friend and guide as I say this, it is not your responsibility to improve your image in the eyes of those who behold you.

If you prioritize your own self-respect as well as the level of value that you see within yourself, the worth others attribute to you will not only increase, but it’s influence over your life will decrease.

Living With The Opinions Of Others As Opposed To Living For Them

It is quite possible to respect the opinions and views of those around you while not giving way for them to control how you in turn view yourself, your life, and all that it encompasses.

It is not as simple as the flick of a light switch; there is no magic button that will immediately grant you peace with yourself and therefore allow the comments of other people to simply be swept aside.

However, you can keep these ideas in mind to make your transition into self-acceptance a bit easier:

This is only one person’s belief. Not everyone thinks of me in this way.

I am not responsible for altering the minds of others to see my truth, just as they are not responsible for altering my mind to see theirs. We can disagree, exchange our views in attempts to offer insight, but we must respect the places in which we are both coming from.

This person only knows the details that I have provided, not the circumstance as a whole. His/her opinion is based on limited information. While it is not invalid, it is not 100% accurate either, for ignorance is prevalent in the situation.

I cannot tell you how you will come to find inner joy and peace; I can only offer you my own experiences and take-aways as a light and guide on your own journey.

The times we face are odd and uncertain.

The world we live in can be cruel and unforgiving.

In this time of isolation, I have come to realize that I am my own best advocate and simultaneously my worst enemy.

In the end, you are single-handedly the most consistent person in your life.

Keeping this in mind, I believe that is in your best interest to make peace with who you are - talents, shortcomings, and all else.

You are here in this present moment for a purpose.

Your life, your failures, and your accomplishments are just that - yours. They are meant for no other individual but you. Learn from each fall; celebrate each success; and appreciate yourself for enduring it all.

Best of luck to you always.

In light & peace,

Sofia F.

Take time to revel in the good that accompanies each moment. Never take your time for granted.